Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My wedding will be open casket.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.