Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”