me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Mmmm. Shoeshi
this is the best day of my life
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life