Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
.. do you even science?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it