Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834