“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You Might Also Like
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”