The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”