My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon