I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.