Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!