me logging onto twitter
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Can Happiness buy money?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
no
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?