waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You Might Also Like
christening a ship with an overripe banana
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.