If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I needed a laugh this morning.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.