Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Guantanamo Bae
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.