8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?