Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept