INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
You Might Also Like
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Plant care tips
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?