DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Covid like
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier