Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Lmbo
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.