cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You Might Also Like
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I mean…but I did
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
There is wisdom there.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.