No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
This kid is going places
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.