Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”