I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Realize this:
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.