Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.