I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
How do you like your Corgi?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.