Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.