Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Ha
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.