Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.