Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me