Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.