Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting