[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
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ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆