My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You Might Also Like
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒