I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
i love modern commerce
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”