Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me