Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
oh my gosh!!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.