Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
be careful
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
PARKOUR
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour