Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG