Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.