It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Traveler’s camo
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination