I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job