They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Bruh PLEASE
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater