The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.