U talkin 2 me?
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
thinking about a very short hotdog
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”