Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Note to self: I am a note
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.