That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Cake!!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question