Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I put the hot in psychotic.
Air conditioning – not a fan
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.