Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences