Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
You Might Also Like
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.