David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I put the p in pants.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.